Ill Advised Items

A collection of silly, strange, and potentially ill-advised homebrew items written for 5th edition Dungeons and Dragons.

Broom Of Cursing

wondrous item, uncommon

A mostly useless joke by a bored wizard's apprentice, this ordinary-looking wooden broom moves under its own power and is capable of speech (but not sentient.) Once its command word is spoken to activate it, it floats upright and attempts to sweep the surrounding floor, starting from one end of the room and moving to the other. (If outside, it may continue indefinitely in search of a wall.) Speaking the command word again deactivates it.

The broom is poor at detecting walls without the crashing into them, and it frequently collides with things while cleaning. On collision with anything solid, it swears loudly in Common.

The broom is in all other ways an ordinary broom.

Chain of Getting Along

wondrous item, legendary, sentient

A pair of nondescript-looking but enchanted titanium handcuffs connected by an initially 60 foot chain of the same. Inscribed on the outside of each cuff, text in Gnommish reads “Play Nice Or Not At All”.

Initial Behavior. These handcuffs and chain are extremely durable, designed to mimic a convenient plot device for emotional reconciliation. The first character to touch them outside of combat, preferably a player character, must make a DC 25 Dexterity saving throw or have one cuff snap out and fasten itself around their wrist (or ankle, or whatever else is convenient if this isn't an option.)

The other cuff then whips out and does the same against whichever sentient within 60 feet the first character gets along the worst with. If activated more than once, it will not target the same characters twice.

If no other sentient beings can be found, or if the character is on good terms with all others in range, the chain does nothing and remains inert instead. The chain also will not attempt to bind any targets tiny or smaller, or any targets huge or larger. The cuffs otherwise resize to fit the targets, and return to sizes appropriate for medium creatures when released.

The exact criteria for the chain's second target are somewhat vague and emotionally oriented, but it prefers to pick someone with a clear emotional connection to the target who is worth forcing them to get along with.

Once attached to its targets, the chain shortens in length down to 5 feet, dragging both characters toward each other, and subsequently forcing them to stand within arms' reach of one another. It may grow longer or shorter depending on the characters' behavior – cooperation might lengthen the chain, while worsening bickering may shorten it. The chain never lengthens beyond 60 feet or shortens beyond an inch (a single link) in length.

Personality and Function. The chain is sentient and Lawful Good, with mental scores INT 10, CHA 14, WIS 18. It cannot speak, but communicates with its targets through weak empathic messages. It can see, hear, and otherwise sense through the senses of its targets while touching them, and can feel their emotions as if by a detect thoughts spell or something similar. The chain also has its own basic sense of touch.

The chain wants the two parties it binds to reconcile. It is a kind soul at heart, well-intentioned if pushy and at times overly optimistic. If it is convinced the two targets have reconciled, such as by seeing them fight side-by-side and synchronized in combat while chained together, or hearing them have an emotionally cathartic conversation with each other, it will release, freeing them both.

Kazoo of Distraction

wondrous item, uncommon

This plain metal kazoo is imbued with an enchantment which makes its music incredibly distracting.

While playing the kazoo of distraction, the character may use an action to expend 1 of the kazoo's charges and make a Performance check. Doing so forces all creatures within 60 feet who can hear the kazoo's music to make a wisdom saving throw against the player's Performance check.

Any creature (the musician included) who fails this saving throw is fascinated by the kazoo and its musician for 1d10 rounds, until they take damage, or until the musician stops playing, whichever comes first. If the musician is fascinated, they continue playing, but forget anything else they intended to do.

The kazoo of distraction has 3 charges at maximum, and regains all spent charges at dawn.

Remote Controlled Device

wondrous item, rare

Weighing 20 pounds and roughly the size of a housecat, this machine resembles a child's toy horse on wheels. It is paired with a slim metal box about six inches long by 10 inches wide, with a six-inch wire protruding from one end. A number of buttons and switches on the box can be used to magically activate, deactivate, and steer the machine to move around at a driving speed of 25 feet per round, in addition to other minor functions.

The wheeled machine's motors are not very strong, and its movement speed decreases 1 foot for every additional pound of weight added to the machine. Its chassis is light and flimsy, made primarily of laquered wood and decorative fur, while the motor and internal workings are solid metal. The machine cannot impact anything with sufficient speed to damage it, and cannot upset anything but the lightest and flimsiest of standing objects.

Controls. The box's controls consists of two switches, a rotating dial, and a small set of three buttons along the side. The first switch activates and deactives the device; the second switches its behavior between driving forward, idling in place, and driving backward, and the rotating dial steers it left and right. The remaining three buttons activate its special functions.

These controls only function so long as the wire and remote are intact, and it and the machine are within 60 feet of each other. If at any point this distance is exceeded, the machine immediately stops all current activity and deactivates. It does not resume activity until switched back on.

Jump. The machine to jumps up to six feet directly up into the air. The machine can absorb the shock of this height's landing without issue, but any drop higher than 10 feet risks damage to the machine.

Alarm. The machine emits a loud but tinny horse's neigh, from somewhere under its chassis.

Light. The machine's eyes light up, casting bright light for 5 feet and dim light for another 25.

Overheating. Due to poor design choices, the machine's motor heats up over time, rising 10 degrees (F) per minute of continuous operation. If left to stall against an obstacle, this increases to per round. At high enough temperature (say, 600-700 F), the machine spontaneously catches fire and is damaged beyond repair.

Trick Arrow

wondrous item, common

A specially enchanted arrow that, when shot from a bow, will make a 180 degree turn in midair after the first 10 feet of flight and corkscrew off in a random direction instead. It is otherwise indistinguishable from an ordinary arrow, except by an identify spell or similar divination.

Ukelele of Friendship

wondrous item, uncommon (requires attunement by bard)

This wooden instrument carved with tropical flowers is always in perfect tune. Once per day, an attuned bard can play the ukelele of friendship to cast the spell charm person without spell slots or other requirements. The ukelele can be treated as a very small guitar for the sake of proficiency: a bard who can play guitar but not ukelele may use half of their proficiency bonus, while a ukelele player can use it fully.